They say you have big shoes to fill, but I see it differently. You are making new footprints.Eugene Shang
I’ve never liked Valentine’s day. I’ve never like cliches or stereotypes. I haven’t liked Valentine’s day recently for reasons I wish didn’t exist. The entire month of February leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It’s been two years now and I still don’t even want to say it. I think back to how vulnerable I was and how closed off I once was. The scars are healing slowly but just not fast enough.
I guess you could say that I’m overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with what I’m doing with my life and all the commitments that I’ve made for myself. I never blame anyone but myself for my jam packed schedule but sometimes I do wish that I could say no and care just a little bit less. Everyday feels like a battle of how efficient I can be with my time. It’s a war that I’m slowly but surely losing with myself. Bags under my eyes get a little bit darker and my smile loses it sheen. It’s my senior year and half the time I feel like drowning all my sorrows with alcohol but I don’t. I don’t want to lose control and have history repeat itself. I don’t want to collapse under pressure. I just don’t want to fail.
Everyone has these high expectations for me and I’m beginning to crack. My fuse is reach its end and I know I’m going to break. Break with all the emotions that I’ve been holding in. But I suffer silently and keep all my issues to myself. Behind my smiles and laughs that last a little too long is someone who has too many scars to share. It’s a wave of emotions that get hidden in the tide.
Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you’d follow them straight into hell, just to keep getting your fix.
Karen Marie Moning, Shadowfever (via coyotegold)
It’s been a couple years since I completely broke down crying in public. For me it’s so rare that I count of the number of times on one of my hands. As I sat in a sea of people, I could feel the walls caving in on me. Slowly but surely, I rushed out and tried to retain some piece of my sanity. It hurt me. It hurts that I keep everything bottled up because I don’t want to be seen as weak or emotional. It hurts because I care so much but rarely show it. The tears travel down the lonely path of sorrow that I have created for myself.
Everyone hopes that friendships will last a lifetime but sometimes that dream doesn’t become a reality. For me, it starts with the little things. I forget to pay attention. I forget that I’m supposed to be listening when I’m the only person with them. I forget to text the person back and realize it’s been over a week. Slowly but surly, I feel that I’ve outgrown the tight seams of friendship that we once had. I drift away and realize that I wish things could be different. All the smiles, laughs, and inside jokes simply fade away. The human connection. The distant hangout becomes the last goodbye. Friendships signify how I was feeling at a certain point in my life and sometimes it’s better to just let them go.
New connections, new smiles, and new laughs with different people give me a beacon of hope about being more open with myself. At the end of the wave, I’ve learned how emotionally closed off I am. It’s a journey not an easy solution to try and not be so cut off. When the cuts are too deep, I want to forget not reopen the wounds. Last waves of a friendship always come with the bittersweet taste of regret but with a new promise of the future.