Life is a garden, not a road. We enter and exit through the same gate. Wandering, where we go matters less than what we notice.Kurt Vonnegut (via likeafieldmouse)
I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, don’t know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me.
This is one of my favorite movies.
Sometimes I think I don’t deserve happiness. Sometimes I sit alone and wonder how I could’ve been different. Sometimes I wish I made smarter decisions. When I’m alone, my thoughts are consumed by all the mistakes that I’ve made. Today I had a brief talk with my boss and it reminds that I’m not good enough for science. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with my life and as much as I pretend that it’s not a big deal it gives me so much anxiety. I can’t go to sleep without feeling like I’m going to throw up because I feel like a failure. I can’t go one day without shedding a tear about how I’m disappointed in myself. I can’t believe I let this happen to me. I’ve sewn together a seemingly perfect compilation of a life but now I’m breaking at the seams.
I thought I would feel different. As I sit alone in my empty apartment, I can’t help but think about how much my life has changed. I’ve gone through a different adventure every year in college. Tomorrow is my first day as not an intern at my lab anymore. Change. Change for the new but I don’t know if it’s for the better. Most days I can feel my passion for science slowly draining my brain like an empty fish tank. Most of the time I think I’m faking it more than I’ve been making it. I think I’ve concocted this idea that I’m my high aptitude for science will make me love it. But I can feel my heart breaking as I put day in and day out into the lab. I’m going to give it one last chance because working 3 and a half years isn’t something that I just want to throw away. I wish I knew what I was passionate about because it wouldn’t make me feel so hopeless right now.
I try and brighten my day by chalking inspiring but also glass half-empty quotes onto my wall. But no matter how much I decorate, it still doesn’t feel like home. I sometimes wish I would’ve gone back home but that ship has sailed. I’m left to wade in the waters of my own insecurities. Fearing about how I’m afraid that I’ll never find success. How everyone has put so much faith in my future but I believe that I’ll only leave them disappointed. It’s hard thinking about the person I want to become because I don’t know what that will even be. Deep down I wish I knew where the tide was taking me but I’m stuck in shallow waters because I want the security of the touching the bottom. I’m afraid to take risks since the fear of failing has always scared me.