It’s been a couple of days back home. I don’t remember the last time when I was home and I didn’t have anything to worry about. I’ve allowed myself to take a pause from life for just this week to finally decompress the stressful 4 years of college that I’ve endured.
"It’s a funny thing about comin’ home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You’ll realize what’s changed is you.” -Benjamin Button
I’ve always related to this quote and I forgot how much I missed being at home. It’s comforting for me to run around my old elementary school or see how much the streets I used to know have changed. It’s comforting to see and talk with my mom, sister and grandma on a regular basis. It’s comforting to know that I have the support system I need to succeed. These last couple of weeks have been tumultuous to say the least. I started seeing someone. I finished being an RA. I finally quit the job at my lab. I can’t say that I don’t feel different but these have all been welcomed changes. I’m happy. Happier than I’ve been for a long time. My career might be at a standstill but self-care is something I’ve lacked for awhile now.
Dating is something that is new and has always been something that I’ve never prioritized. But it’s nice knowing that you have someone that can be there for you both physically and emotionally. Four dates in I think we’re on a good track but time will only tell (he’s half-Asian too and that’s always been a favorite of mine). One of the comforts of moving back home is that he isn’t a 2 hour drive just 30 mins.
It’s been a sea of relief to be back home and just relax. Sure I’m anxious about my future but I’m learning to take things day by day.
Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.Marc Hack
I’ve spent most of my life thinking that I’m not pretty enough. I’ve always been the shadow of my beautiful older sister. She would be showered with compliments of being so pretty while I was the one who worked hard for her grades and played in the orchestra. Most people wouldn’t even believe we were related. It took me a really long time to realize that it doesn’t matter how other people perceive my external appearance but more about how I feel about myself. It’s taken me almost 22 years to realize that fact. I always thought I would feel accepted if I could change my personal appearance. I would spend hours looking at myself wishing I could change the flaws that marred my skin. Instead of reprimanding my imperfections, I’ve learned to embrace them. My nose may be a little to big but I love it the way it is. I may have some blemishes but who doesn’t get them? I might be a little bit more curvier that others but I love my body for what it is (imperfections and all).
I’ve practiced way too much self-hate against my body and now it’s time to change the language. I’m eating healthy and exercising for myself and no one else. I’m not your cookie cutter vision of beauty but that’s not what I want to be. I’m a complex sea of experiences and smiles.
At this moment in my life I feel like driftwood in the sea. I don’t really have a purpose and don’t know where I’m going. I’m floating and I’m going through with the motions but it doesn’t feel like I’m going anywhere. Sure I’m an RA for the last time of my life. Sure I have a job in my lab as a technician till September. But I feel the passion slowly draining from my veins. I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. I put myself in this path of going to grad school and getting my Ph.D in the biomedical sciences but that ship has sailed. I just realized in my senior year that I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t devote my life to the painful life of failure and tribulations of being a researcher. I thought I wanted to be a genetic counselor but that was a door I kept open for myself because I needed something to say in casual conversation. It’s hard. It’s hard since I just want to be happy. Deep down I know that I’m the happiest when I’m baking or working with student leaders. I just don’t want to admit it because I love science but it is emotionally draining for me to continue with it.
My boss tells me to go into the health field so I can make money. He says you can pursue your passions on the weekend but at least you’ll be financially stable. I’ve never been that type of person to want to work a job and be miserable just so I can have money in the bank. Money has never been a driving motive in my life.
I wish I knew. I wish I could be optimistic about my future but I’m slowly sinking in the harsh tides.