Sea of Uncertainty

Sometimes I think I’m living only half a life. I understand that both happiness and life are fleeting but at the end of the day I’m left with the bitter taste of missed opportunities. The stereotypical college life consists of booze, hook ups, and forgotten responsibility. Although I have cast off this life for myself, I still wish I had the opportunity to do so. I’m turning 21 in a couple weeks and I think I already live life with too much maturity. Being an RA has taught me to uphold high moral standards as well as expectations for myself and to not appear as a hypocrite. At the same time, I had a decent time at Sun God this year.

I had an 8am midterm, lab work that consisted of learning how to inject fish embryos, cleaning fish tanks, collecting embryos, and feeding brine shrimp, RA duty for 4 hours, and then Sun God. This is embarrassing but I legit almost fell asleep during a set. Sure I had fun but it isn’t the normal fun that I’m used to (I definitely had fun with Ceci). Most of my friends didn’t have to deal with responsibilities or patrol around, I just miss the carefree attitude that I could have on Sun God and in my everyday life. At this point, I am just trying to find what makes me happy because I don’t know what I’m feeling but it isn’t happiness.

We spend our whole lives waiting to be happy. I’m coming to the sad realization that I don’t know that I can truly be happy. Happiness, in my opinion, is a state of eternal bliss. In all reality, I don’t believe that it can be achieved in a lifetime. Sure there are these beams of happiness but it’s not eternal or very long lived. I thought the emptiness that filled my soul could be fixed but I’m laying in bed feeling nothing. The facade of my shattered life is slowly being exposed. In order to hide my internal chaos, I have become involved in activities that simply mask my own emptiness. I’ve waited 20 years and I believe that I have finally succumbed to the darkness. I hide everything when I really do wear my heart on my sleeve while pretending to smile and laugh. Everything in life is fleeting but that’s how I feel about my own happiness.

Constantly I’m teased by the idea that I am doing something I love but in all reality I am just fooling myself in order to reduce the pain. My quote on my chalkboard is: “All I’ve wanted to be is happy. I’m failing.” I have never described myself as a quitter but I’ve put up a decent battle trying to pretend that I’m not jaded by my childhood or naive when it comes to the future. It’s just hard to accept defeat but it’s harder to pretend you feel anything when it means nothing. I’m constantly reminded that I’m not as strong as my family members or that I’m not resilient. Sometimes one swift tide can put you down for a lifetime. I’m trying to reverse my tide of emptiness but I’m content wearing my own mask of happiness. Deep down I just don’t want to burden my friends because I know I’m not alone in my battles but it I’m not one to bring down others in my troubles. My ship of happiness has left without me and I’ve been trying to chase it down with no avail. Each day is a new beginning but pangs of remembering what you once had isn’t easy. Tides rise and fall but their destruction occurs slowly. My happiness eroded into a pile of sand. One wish turns into an impossible aspiration.

Do you ever wonder to yourself, what would happen if I did ____ or what if I quit ____? I’ve been more contemplative about what my options are and what I really want to get from my college career. First off I would like to start off and say that I’m feeling better than before. I recently talked with my psychologist and I have the common symptoms of burnout. All I need to do is take more time for myself in order to prevent me feeling completely out of passion. It happens to everyone but I just need to find what keeps me relaxed and not stressed. Baking is what keeps me sane but it hasn’t been working lately. I think that means I need to come up with a new and creative concoction in order to satiate my need for creativity.

Sometimes I feel that life just becomes a blur and I perform everyday tasks with minimal passion or thought. I wonder why I do the things that I do but then again I do them because I love secretly trolling people with the recognition that they deserve. Even though I know I don’t get the same amount or recognition/deserve the same amount of recognition I still just love the smiles. Just one smile or thank you really means the world to me. This week has been the most stressful week of 2013 because I had 3 midterms, CAPS, an RA mediation, RA program and this is only Monday-Friday. I’m waiting for my relief of something telling that I am making the right decision. Some kind of sign that this is all gonna be worth it in the end. I’m just happy to feel less depressed and emotionally dead on the inside. It’s when you’re at the bottom that you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not trying to be the poster child for recovery. I just want my the chaos that I call my life to become less of a discombobulation and more of something that I can manage. I have many insecurities about my own abilities but I’m working on trying to conquer them. Everyday I am transitioning into a beautiful human being and I only wish to keep wading in my seas of change.

Seriously, I thought I was getting back to my regular self but I have proven myself wrong. Have you ever gotten pangs of sudden sadness that plague you down to your soul? If yes then just imagine feeling that sadness but trying to eternalize it because you don’t want to appear weak. At this point, I am a fragile egg on the fringe of breaking. I always feel tired despite getting at least 8 hours of sleep. Today all I wanted to do was sleep in my bed all day and I normally never want to do that especially when I have to go to class. I have become the girl who laughs a little too long, whose smile is too small and who has the look of sadness engrained on her face. I have grown accustomed to my pertinent bags under my eyes despite my sleep schedule. 

Lately, I’ve been having too many moments of almost breakdowns and crying. Crying mostly because I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Today I flipped out on one of the interns in my lab. He said one thing and it filled me up with so much rage that I threw off my gloves and stormed out of the room. I cooled off for like 5 minutes then told him to not talk to me in a condescending way. He tried to apologize but I ran off to the breakroom and just did my homework. Number one thing to know about me is that I probably the most passive aggressive person that you’ll run across. I do not really ever do confrontations. After sulking in the breakroom, I felt terrible. I don’t do this because I don’t want someone to be that mean to me. I try to come off as someone that isn’t mean and I totally ruined my reputation, I guess I have a “take no shit” attitude right now. My psychologist appointment is on Thursday. I am really hoping for the best because my mom and sisters are really worried for me. Also I haven’t been eating that much lately because I don’t really have an appetite. The glass shards of my life are getting glued together but they appear to be slowing breaking apart.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds, right? If it does then why am I sitting here with no relief? To this moment, I thought that this was some psychological mishap but now I’m starting to believe that something is drastically wrong with me. I spent today laying around not feeling anything. I did go to the library and manage to finish a midterm study guide for one class, finish spanish homework and start on another homework assignment but it seemed as if I was torturing myself. Even as I type this, I am laying in my bed. The mantra of my mind is: What is wrong with me? 

Nothing seems to make sense anymore. I used to be filled with passion for science but I just seem to not give a damn about it. I feel like a sad excuse for a human being. Instead of laying around, I should be seizing the day but I barely have the will to go get something to eat. I’m just silently wishing that things will change and I can go back to being myself but that doesn’t seem feasible right now. Glass can only withstand so much pressure before it breaks. I’m trying to recollect the pieces of my shattered life but it seems as if I’m gluing the wrong parts together.

When I was younger, I would respond the chaos of my life by throwing a violent fit and wreck things. Now that I’m older I have a new method of coping with my pain. I have come up with a new tactic of emotionally and mentally destroying myself instead of the tangible objects. This is all unconscious to me. Rather than throw my shoes around, I now through my feelings around. I am sitting alone in my room and I don’t feel anything at all. There is an empty feeling inside of me where happiness used to exist. I don’t know where this has gone but I have gone past my breaking point.

Sure the future does freak me out but the current situation that I’m in freaks me out even more. I feel dead on the inside and I cry to try and cope with the pain of not really feeling anything. I can definitely put on a facade that everything is fine and laugh a little bit longer than necessary. At the end of the day when I am alone I don’t feel anything. I’m trying to carry on with my life and live up to my high standards but I just don’t care. My heart in all my passions has crumbled. All the pressures, all the stress and all the work has lead me to this moment. The moment where I feel worthless. I’ve spent 20 years to try and shape myself into a thriving and unique individual and now I just feel nothing at all. Everything has culminated to this feeling and I wish it wasn’t true. I study and use music to distract me from my current situation but I still feel the same. The carnage of my own discontent has left me robbed of who I once was and I don’t know how long the sea of certainty will take to wave back.

I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me right now. This week alone I’ve had an emotional breakdown concerning my future and all the extra-curricular activities that I’m involved in. One thing doesn’t ever mean just one thing for me. Everything spirals into oblivion and I can be thinking about why I’m doing one stupid thing to what am I even doing with my life? Right now I feel that I am on a downhill ride to something I’m not prepared for. I signed myself up for something that I’m not prepared for and I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m going through a mental breakdown. Too many things have happened to me this week: dealing with my own qualms about my future, resident issues, and schoolwork. I can’t balance all three and I am sitting here crying.

I know that something is not right in me anymore but I can’t pin-point it and would really like to know. Something in me has cracked and I feel crazy. I’m doing things that are completely out of the normal for me like crying hysterically in my bed and laughing maniacally in my room. I feel terrible and I have 3 midterms next week. Tonight I’m on duty and I just feel overwhelmed by everything. What has my life sucummbed to? I’m laying in my bed feeling as if I’ve let everyone in my life down. I can’t survive on my own and I know that something is wrong with me. I’ve scheduled an appointment with a psychologist for sometime soon. Waiting for the sea of relief is going to be a long and winding road for me.

All I have to say is: Why is it so hard to be happy? I live such a privileged life and yet happiness doesn’t seem to plague my life. Sure there are moments of smiling, laughing and carefreeness but at the end of the day I sit alone in my room and feel the sour taste of bitterness at the pit of my stomach. I’ve finally realized that I’m not happy. I’m not happy with where my life is headed. I put myself on this track of leadership but in all reality I wish the train stopped halfway because I expected to travel this far. My involvement in Student Council, Residential life and honor society has only proven to be that not of these things truly satiate my passion. My passion lies deep in the depth of biomedical research. I don’t know what I’m doing by fluffing my application with all these qualifications. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I never liked or enjoyed these clubs it’s because they do not parallel the enthusiasm I have for science.

Today has been a rough day for me. I had an emotional breakdown at work where I cried in the break room. The stress of the day and lack of sleep really got to me but at the same time I could feel my body reacting to what I was doing with my life. All these signs keep appearing to guide me in making decisions but I don’t know. I spend all this time sacrificing my own happiness, I am baffled by how nonchalant I am about my misery. We all know that misery loves its company but I’m in this dilema  by myself. At the end of the day, I don’t know what I’m doing but I know it’s not making me any happier than before. Deep down I am hurting myself but it doesn’t make me change my future. It’s been a long road and 20 years in the making but I don’t believe I have much accomplished for the amount of time elapsed. Currently, I am jagged glass waiting to be transformed to smooth sea glass. My jagged edges prevent me from truly being happy.