Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.Marc Hack
I’ve spent most of my life thinking that I’m not pretty enough. I’ve always been the shadow of my beautiful older sister. She would be showered with compliments of being so pretty while I was the one who worked hard for her grades and played in the orchestra. Most people wouldn’t even believe we were related. It took me a really long time to realize that it doesn’t matter how other people perceive my external appearance but more about how I feel about myself. It’s taken me almost 22 years to realize that fact. I always thought I would feel accepted if I could change my personal appearance. I would spend hours looking at myself wishing I could change the flaws that marred my skin. Instead of reprimanding my imperfections, I’ve learned to embrace them. My nose may be a little to big but I love it the way it is. I may have some blemishes but who doesn’t get them? I might be a little bit more curvier that others but I love my body for what it is (imperfections and all).
I’ve practiced way too much self-hate against my body and now it’s time to change the language. I’m eating healthy and exercising for myself and no one else. I’m not your cookie cutter vision of beauty but that’s not what I want to be. I’m a complex sea of experiences and smiles.
At this moment in my life I feel like driftwood in the sea. I don’t really have a purpose and don’t know where I’m going. I’m floating and I’m going through with the motions but it doesn’t feel like I’m going anywhere. Sure I’m an RA for the last time of my life. Sure I have a job in my lab as a technician till September. But I feel the passion slowly draining from my veins. I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. I put myself in this path of going to grad school and getting my Ph.D in the biomedical sciences but that ship has sailed. I just realized in my senior year that I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t devote my life to the painful life of failure and tribulations of being a researcher. I thought I wanted to be a genetic counselor but that was a door I kept open for myself because I needed something to say in casual conversation. It’s hard. It’s hard since I just want to be happy. Deep down I know that I’m the happiest when I’m baking or working with student leaders. I just don’t want to admit it because I love science but it is emotionally draining for me to continue with it.
My boss tells me to go into the health field so I can make money. He says you can pursue your passions on the weekend but at least you’ll be financially stable. I’ve never been that type of person to want to work a job and be miserable just so I can have money in the bank. Money has never been a driving motive in my life.
I wish I knew. I wish I could be optimistic about my future but I’m slowly sinking in the harsh tides.
Life is a garden, not a road. We enter and exit through the same gate. Wandering, where we go matters less than what we notice.Kurt Vonnegut (via likeafieldmouse)
I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, don’t know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me.
This is one of my favorite movies.