At this moment in my life I feel like driftwood in the sea. I don’t really have a purpose and don’t know where I’m going. I’m floating and I’m going through with the motions but it doesn’t feel like I’m going anywhere. Sure I’m an RA for the last time of my life. Sure I have a job in my lab as a technician till September. But I feel the passion slowly draining from my veins. I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. I put myself in this path of going to grad school and getting my Ph.D in the biomedical sciences but that ship has sailed. I just realized in my senior year that I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t devote my life to the painful life of failure and tribulations of being a researcher. I thought I wanted to be a genetic counselor but that was a door I kept open for myself because I needed something to say in casual conversation. It’s hard. It’s hard since I just want to be happy. Deep down I know that I’m the happiest when I’m baking or working with student leaders. I just don’t want to admit it because I love science but it is emotionally draining for me to continue with it.
My boss tells me to go into the health field so I can make money. He says you can pursue your passions on the weekend but at least you’ll be financially stable. I’ve never been that type of person to want to work a job and be miserable just so I can have money in the bank. Money has never been a driving motive in my life.
I wish I knew. I wish I could be optimistic about my future but I’m slowly sinking in the harsh tides.
Life is a garden, not a road. We enter and exit through the same gate. Wandering, where we go matters less than what we notice.Kurt Vonnegut (via likeafieldmouse)
I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, don’t know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me.
This is one of my favorite movies.
Sometimes I think I don’t deserve happiness. Sometimes I sit alone and wonder how I could’ve been different. Sometimes I wish I made smarter decisions. When I’m alone, my thoughts are consumed by all the mistakes that I’ve made. Today I had a brief talk with my boss and it reminds that I’m not good enough for science. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with my life and as much as I pretend that it’s not a big deal it gives me so much anxiety. I can’t go to sleep without feeling like I’m going to throw up because I feel like a failure. I can’t go one day without shedding a tear about how I’m disappointed in myself. I can’t believe I let this happen to me. I’ve sewn together a seemingly perfect compilation of a life but now I’m breaking at the seams.